Momus and wedding songs

When I first met Şencan, she introduced me to the work of a singer called Momus. I immediately fell in love with his music. It could be described as being similar to the Pet Shop Boys in character, yet with lyrics that are both highly intelligent and brilliantly disturbing.

Şencan loaned me his two-CD compilation 'Forbidden Software Timemachine, and pointed me towards the song 'The hairstyle of the devil'. As I listened, I started to wonder if she was trying to send me a message:

She was seeing two at exactly the same time
She never mentioned you when she was round at mine
But when you were round at hers you always made a scene
Cos you only had ears for descriptions of the stranger she was seeing

And what she saw in me was only what attracts
The many girls I see behind their lovers' backs
But what she saw in you, I could never work it out
There was just one thing she found it turned you on to talk about

The inexplicable charisma of the rival
You said 'Describe for me the hairstyle of the devil
Is he passionate? (Don't answer!)
Is he detached (Don't answer that!)
Does he please you in the sack (Shut up, don't answer back!)
Just tell him I'm dying to meet him'

I've been spending a little time thinking about what songs to have at the wedding reception. I'd love there to be a Momus song from 'Forbidden Software Timemachine' in there, but few seem to be applicable.

• 'A complete history of sexual jealousy parts 17 to 24' doesn't have the right tone.
• 'Murderers The Hope Of Women'? Probably not right for a wedding.
• 'The Homosexual' - nope, I doubt our parents would like that.
• 'Monkey For Sallie'? Ahem.
• 'Guitar Lesson'? Certainly not suitable for a wedding.
• 'How Do You Find My Sister'. No chance.

'Bluestocking', perhaps, or 'Bishonen', but only because no-one would understand what they're about from one listening.

We'll probably just end up with Kate Bush's brilliant song 'The Wedding List', her homage to Truffaut's film ''The Bride Wears Black' ... Or perhaps not.

Momus has his first novel out later in the year - 'The book of jokes'. It's available for pre-order on Amazon, and I'm nervously looking forward to read it. At times Momus can over-intellectualise things (some of his utterances would be too highbrow for even the London Review of Books - he puts Will Self to shame), so it'll be interesting to see if he can pull off a novel. The synopsis certainly looks interesting.

Actually, this brings up a question that could have a rich vein of answers: What are the most inappropriate songs to play at a wedding? Here are some off the top of my head:

• 'D.I.V.O.R.C.E'
• 'Bring your daughter to the slaughter'
• I will survive
• This Woman's Work

There will doubtless be many others.