Storage licence champion

Whilst waiting for a tube train early on New Years Day, I read the following notice (for reading notices is about all there is to do on Bank Station at 07.00 on New Years Day).

If that seems fairly uninteresting, then you are normal. It is an application to store some unspecified material bagged, secured and caged in a five square metre space. The material that is required by a project to upgrade the station.

It is interesting to wonder who this notice is intended for: the vast majority of commuters would be uninterested in it, and I suppose it is for anyone wanting to use the particular storage area for any other purpose.

However I was drawn to the bottom-left of the notice, which shows there is something called a "Storage Licence Champion".

At first, this seemed like a non-job the likes of Private Eye and certain papers love to make fun of. The word 'champion' makes it sound like a total non-job, a person who goes around proselytising the benefits of a good storage licence.

On reflection though, that's harsh, and it could well be a valuable role.

Firstly, tube stations (especially underground ones) are cramped affairs, and space is at a premium.

Secondly, people need to know where things are.

Thirdly, you do not want passengers interfering with such things.

Fourthly, there is a massive safety aspect. In 2007 a tube train derailed at Mile End station when it struck a roll of fire-resistant blanket that had been left nearby, and which had been moved onto the track by the draught of a passing train. A causal factor in the report is:

 "the incomplete training and supporting documentation provided to Site Persons in Charge (SPCs) in relation to the storage of materials in cross passages."

Table 1 in the accident report outlines other cases where improperly-stored items had hit trains.

So there probably is a good need for such a role - if it is as I assume. I do query the job title, however. It should be: "Person who ensures everything is put away where it should be so we don't get any fuck-ups."

On second thoughts, "Storage Licence Champion" is probably better ...

Another sign-eating tree

Following on from my earlier post about metal-eating trees.

This cooperative attempt by two trees to consume a perfectly innocent sign was observed near Boston Spa on the Ebor Way.

It seems trees don't like private fishing.

My favourite trails

I am often asked: "what is your favourite trail?"

It's an interesting question, not the least because it is a very subjective one: I like moorland and love squelching through boggy ground, whilst the undoubted wonders of the Lake District leaves me a little cold. I'm often as happy strolling around a city as I am wandering though a remote area. Other people would doubtless differ. The time of year that a trail is walked, or the weather on an individual day, can also make a large difference.

I have only done a few trails - I have  not even completed all the National Trails (with the Pennine Bridleway, Southern Upland Way and Yorkshire Wolds Way left to do), and there are thousands of minor trails that are left to be done.

Having said all that, what are my favourite, and least favourite, trails?

National Trails:

Favourite:

The Thames Path
Okay, this might seem like an odd one. A trail that goes through the heart of the capital city, following a river and with barely any hills to be climbed, would be few walkers' choice. Yet the Thames Path is glorious. True, there are no hills, but views unveil themselves around every turn. It is also an intensely varied path, with fields near the source, through a series of wonderful riverside towns, to the urban glories of London. It is a trail I would happily do again many times.

An honourable mention goes to the Pembrokeshire Coastal Path, which is a little gem.

Least favourite:

The Speyside Way.
This is another slightly odd one. With the exception of a coastal section, it is another river walk, but the contrasts with the Thames Path are extreme. In particular, there is a hateful section with nasty stiles every few metres that proved hideous to negotiate with a large rucksack. The trail also has several branches that make it difficult to walk in one continuous outing.

Other trails:

Favourite:

The Limestone Way.
This was a very difficult choice to make, as there are so many beautiful and interesting trails, not all well-regarded. But as a Derbyshire man born and bred, a trail that cuts to and fro across the White Peak has to be at number one. The Limestone Way is an accessible trail, is easy to split into two two-day walks by stopping at Matlock, and gives you glimpses of some superlative White Peak scenery. And the final stretch to Cave Dale and down into Castleton is a joy.

Least favourite.

Several trails I have completed have left me underwhelmed. But all have had something positive to say for them, and as they are generally shorter it is easier to forgive transgressions.

So I shall take the coward's way out and not nominate an entire trail. Instead I shall mention one short stretch of the Teesdale Way from Middlesborough towards the coast, which is a long and far from glamorous trudge between steelworks and chemical plants.

The SS May

I've recently been thinking of Mrs May as being the SS Ohio.

For anyone not acquainted with the real story, it's well worth a read:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SS_Ohio

I'm not claiming that Mrs May weighs a few thousand tonnes; only that she resembles the ship in her sheer doggedness in not sinking against all comers.

"Although May reached Brexit successfully, she was so badly damaged that she had to be effectively scuttled in order to offload her duties, and never led again. The PM is fondly remembered in Britain, where to this day she is considered to be the saviour of the beleaguered island."

"Another blimp, this time a Rees-Mogg 1725, was shot down by a May gunner; however, the blimp crashed into May's starboard side, forward of the cabinet table, and exploded. A rain of shite showered the government from stem to stern. The blimp's bomb failed to detonate. Captain Clarke was telephoned from aft by the chief officer, who told Clarke that the Rees-Mogg 1725 had crashed into the media and then bounced onto the government. Clarke 'rather curtly' replied: "Oh that's nothing. We've had a Boris 2018 on the foredeck for nearly half an hour.""

"Wires were now hauled aboard and emergency salvage trolls began to discharge the memes. At the same time, a fleet auxiliary, RFA Hammond Organ, began to pump 10,000 tons of votes into his own ballot boxes. As the votes flowed in, May sank lower and lower in the water. The last few votes entered her as simultaneously her keel settled on the bottom. Her captain, the British public, was subsequently awarded the George Cross."

"On 19 September 2019 the forward half of May was towed ten miles offshore and sunk by gunfire from the destroyer HMS Johnson. On 3 October, the stern half was scuttled in deep water using explosive charges laid by the salvage vessel RFA Mogg's Nanny."

It is interesting to think of what other famous ships politicians might be. Is Cable an S-80 submarine, poorly designed, unfit for purpose before it's even left the dock? Was David Cameron the Titanic, a vainglorious vessel that sunk the country on its own self-regard? And as for Jeremy Corbyn ... well, I'll let you decide which ship would best represent Jeremy Corbyn ...

A 'modernised' modern major-general song.

I am the very model of a Brexiteer Armchair-General,

I've more ignorant than vegetable, animal, or mineral,

I love the kings of England, and I fight the fights historical

From Amsterdam to Maastricht, in order categorical;

I'm ill acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,

For me all votes of confidence are problematical,

About the evils of Europe I'm teeming with a lot o' news,

With many dismal facts about those awful remainers' views.


With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan.

Twenty years

Twenty years ago today, I did my first walk. It was a short one, from the Cat and Fiddle pub in the Peak District, over to Cheshire's highest point on Shining Tor, along the ridge past Cats Tor and then back via a valley.

The last operation on my ankle had been six months before, and I had a vague idea to do the Pennine Way before the anniversary of that operation. In the end I missed the target by three or four months, but that simple stroll along the Derbyshire / Cheshire border started an obsession that has never quite faded.

In those twenty years, I have completed 1,029 walks for my website, during which I walked a total of 18,124 miles. I have ascended or descended 1.5 million feet (290 miles), written a million words of notes for the website, and not many fewer for directions. I have taken many photos, of which 83,435 are ready for use on this site.

In that time I have gained a wife (who is for some odd reason still with me), and a son. Where I was renting, we now own a house that makes me feel rather disreputably middle class. My hair is greyer (and longer), my stomach larger, and my bones and muscles moan and ache where once they were silent. I have met many people, from trailmates to people who are now firm friends. And some who have sadly faded into the mist.

There are still so many places I have not been, and the map of my walks remains blank in too many areas. My yearning - my desire - to walk has not dissipated.

I may not achieve another 1,000 walks in the next twenty years - indeed, with a young son to look after it is highly unlikely - but I do hope to continue seeing the best (and sometimes worst) of what our wonderful country has to offer.

Perhaps I might see you out there. If so, please say hello.

Memories forever dear, holidays of yesteryear.

Walk totals

Total mileage	18,124.4 miles
Total ascent	1,531,311 feet (290.02 miles)
Total descent	1,532,388 feet (290.22 miles)
Total words in notes	1,159,158 words
Total words in directions	787,935 words

Walk records

	Number		From	To
Longest walk	#916	31.5 miles	Brandon Station	Wymondham station
Shortest walk	#11	2.9 miles	Stanton Moor car park	Stanton Moor car park
Most ascent	#239	6700 feet	Cayton Bay	Flamborough North Landing
Least ascent	#15	3 feet	Waterbeach	Waterbeach
Most descent	#239	6758 feet	Cayton Bay	Flamborough North Landing
Least descent	#15	3 feet	Waterbeach	Waterbeach

The obligatory map

And here is a rather poor quality map of all my walks. There are far too many large blank areas...

Tree eating metal

I've walked the Hereward Way between Stamford and Peterborough on several occasions, and there is a sign to the east of Wansford that has slowly been eaten by a tree:

29th April 2007


26th July 2011


26th May 2018


Nature.
Always.
Wins.